Introduction – Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre
This is not the infamous 1929 Chicago gangland slaying you may know of in which Al Capone was the suspected mastermind. No, this is the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre held annually by the Vancouver Theatresports League – an international improvisational competition whereby teams slay each other sometimes with spontaneous sarcasm, other times with brazen bafoonery and often times with ruthless ridicule but always with wiley wit… Check it out if you can – they’ll kill you with laughter!
The following is a true story that happened in 2011 last year.
Scene 1 – The Battle
CUT TO: Tuesday, January 18. Twitterer @dengshot (aka the Unscripted Mind) sits at her computer, like she does most evenings, poring through her Timeline Tweets for her daily dose of current events. Her eyes widen and eyebrows raise as she notices a contest by @TicketsTonight for tickets to the Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre at the new Improv Center on Granville Island. She had not been to an improv comedy show in years. The Unscripted Mind smiles and thinks to herself “Hmmm, a contest to see a contest! Challenge on!” Within moments she submits her entry by re-tweeting the message as instructed but is quickly distracted by the next 140 character dispatch on her monitor.
Scene 2 – Battle Victory
CUT TO: Wednesday, January 19. We find @dengshot poised once again at her computer that evening scanning the day’s Twitter news. She sees her name scroll up through the Timeline and does a double-take. She can’t believe it! It’s an announcement with instructions “@dengshot is today’s winner. You+1 are going to the Improv Center 2mrw. Pls arr by 7:15; tix at the door.” The Unscripted Mind had completely forgotten about the Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre tickets contest and was thrilled at her victory. It was short notice so she quickly sent out the call to some friends to join her the following evening on a “first come first served” basis. It is late. She yawns and powers off the computer before hitting the sack.
Scene 3 – The Princess and the Plea
CUT TO: Thursday, January 20, 8AM. The Unscripted Mind is roused from her deep slumber by a dull pain filling the space between the back of her eyes and the back of her skull. She opens her eyes and the pressure in her head starts to balloon. It is the start of a migraine. Closing her eyes, the tension eases somewhat and she hopes a little shut eye will relieve the pain as it occasionally does.
Five hours later @dengshot awakens from her sleep and still feels the pressure behind the eyes but much less. She rolls out of bed and logs on to her computer to find a couple replies from friends who are too busy to go. She is a little worried there’ll be no takers and sends out a few more invites to other friends. As the next two hours tick by, a queasiness sets in and the headache worsens once again. The Unscripted Mind struggles onward and hopes the nausea will pass but instead takes on a greener hue by the minute. She has just enough will and energy to offer the Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre tickets to anyone who wants to enjoy spirited improvisational sparring. At this point she can only think about becoming horizontal and attempts to sleep off the migraine one more time.
The time on the clock shows 7PM when the Unscripted Mind opens her eyes and stumbles out of bed again. The churning in her stomach has eased off a bit and although the vice like grip on her brain has relinquished some of it’s power she is still unable to shake it. There have been no takers for the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre tickets and the show starts in moments. Because @dengshot doesn’t want to loose an opportunity to experience an exciting massacre she composes a plea to the Vancouver TheatreSports League that even Saint Valentine’s couldn’t refuse! Or could he?
Dear St. Valentine,
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Princess Leia aka Donna Eng. A big thanks to you & Tickets Tonight for bestowing upon me a pair of tickets for tonight’s ruthless skirmish. Now that’s unrequited love!
I was flushed with excitement to see the bloody massacre but became disheartened when I developed a migraine late this afternoon. I contacted everyone in my kingdom to see if anyone else would be titillated to witness some cutting wit and penetrating malevolence but unfortunately no heartless soul was available on such short notice (
I was sooo looking forward to experiencing the venomous love and carnage of the duelling teams! I know it’s a long shot from where I lay in bed, with pounding head, to strike my cupid’s arrow upon your warm tender heart but is there any possible way to swap for another night?
Scene 4 – The Verdict Is…
CUT TO: Friday, January 21. The Unscripted Mind awakes refreshed and pain free to no reply to her message from the night before. It is only morning and she anticipates one is still forthcoming from the Vancouver TheatreSports League. To her delight an email chimes in mid-afternoon. She reads it slowly. Apparently her plea made it’s round through the organization before a decision was made…
I hope that you are feeling better today. Unfortunately, we have a no refund, no return, no exchange policy on all of our tickets. I am sorry that you weren’t able to make it. Hopefully you’ll be able to make it another time.
Customer Service Manager